Ambrose Burnside, Union General
While reading background material for these Old Testament books, I’ve noticed that the Prophets all have what the fashion mavens currently thronging New York would probably call “a look”. There’s a standard-issue beard for these guys.
Naturally, we don’t have photographs of the Prophets. So it’s possible that the samey-ness of the beards is a failure of imagination on the part of the artists. It’s possible that the Prophets had beards as dazzling and varied as those of American Civil War generals.
But while Ambrose Burnside here seems to be modeling gravitational fields with his facial furniture, the representations we have of the Prophets are less exciting.
Let’s start with Moses.
Beard of defiance!
Long, yes, but that’s just a matter of patience for many men. It’s just sort of hanging there. It could be nicely conditioned, I don’t know, but it’s not very shaped from what I can see. I know there are laws about that sort of thing for members of Moses’s religion, but still.
Here’s a more dramatic interpretation from the people who dressed Chuck Heston for his turn as the Prophet.
Oh Moses, Moses. Why is there a badger on your chin?
This is so groomed and primped and windswept and stylishly striped. It just doesn’t say “holy man lost in the desert for forty years” to me. It says “You gotta know when to hold ‘em… know when to fold ‘em… know when to walk away…”
Know when to trim.
My favorite Moses beard by far is the one dreamed up by Michelangelo. It flows like the Nile. You can part it like the Red Sea. If a man with such a beard came to me and said “Let my people go,” I’d have folded right away. No need to send the frogs, Mo, if you just let me make a braid up in that.
Don't know about the horns, though.
Now. Elijah. His beard is both fire-resistant…
Russian, 16th C.
… and capable of healing small children:
Behold, the power of BEARDS!
But it pretty much looks the same in either case. And so it is with the others. There’s Isaiah:
The people in darkness have seen a great beard.
Ezekiel:
Even the angels behind him are like, "Mmmm, needs work."
Jeremiah:
"How can I get mine to grow like Moses's?"
And, for some New Testament balance, there’s John the Baptist:
Coming soon to a platter near you.
So with divine inspiration comes a divine beard. Actually, maybe it’s The Divine Beard.
Maybe it’s the same beard on all the men. Maybe prophetic inspiration comes to men through their facial hair, and once they have it to a certain length, they’re able to receive messages from Beyond. Or hosts to a secondary consciousness. Possibly even an extra-terrestrial consciousness.
Like this, but holier:
I think someone scholarly should look into this for us.
